Why Bother?

All my life I have felt that I was the wrong gender. Like many others who are classified as having gender dysphoria, I knew very young I was different.

Through the early parts of high school and puberty, I had a lot of friends but I was alone. I hid away from the world in my own head most of the time. As I hit my late teens, I become aggressive. I bottled up my feelings, and struck out at anyone who was in my way. I never played sports, took shop or any thing that boys generally did. I ultimately became self destructive and suicidal and I did not believe I would live to see the age of 30.

Things were very different when I was growing up. Today we have the internet and the world is much more open minded. Coming out to Mandie, and having her support has given me the courage to face the world as who I am.

Hormones do change quite a bit, however I think that some of the changes are me coming out of my shell. I have spent 30 yrs daydreaming of being a woman; how I would act, dress, and relate to the world. Now that I have been on hormones for 5 months I feel like I am allowing my real self to escape the bottle in the bottom of the closet I have hid in for so long. It is not easy to put into words what it is like to feel like your the wrong gender. Wanting more then anything to not be trapped inside a male body. I hated being male, I hated myself for wanting to be female, I hated my life and I hated the world.

The physical changes are secondary to the mentality that I can get through this. Everyday is a struggle but yet I am happier then I have ever been in my life. Partly because people are starting to accept me as Zoe, and partly because I am no longer hiding. I have made it past 30 and I never dreamed I would ever deal with this, certainly not after marriage and having a family.

The hormones allow me to complete my journey as a women. The transition will also let the world see the girl that has always been inside. They are allowing me to break out of my shell, tear down the wall I built to protect myself years ago.

People have asked, why bother?  If I am not "gay", and have no interest in being with a guy- why bother? This isn't about my sexual being or interests, or my wife not being enough woman for me, shes wonderful and more than I can handle. I am doing this because I need to do this; Its time.

 ~Zoe