In The Beginning-Zoes Journey

I suppose the beginning for me was around 5 or 6 when I realized I was different. Through my teens and early 20s, I hid my true self from everyone. I hid in my closet and walked a path of self destruction. I attempted suicide and spent a lot of time in therapy to deal with my problem. This isn't to say I did not try to come out, I did. On 2 seperate occassions. The first I was very young. The second was with someone I trusted with my life. Both turned out to be horribble experiences. For 30 yrs, I have remained in silence. So it should be no surprise that I did not come out to Mandie sooner then she would have liked.

 I have always been different. Many people meet me and think I am gay. Even my own wife has accused me of it many times over; Bet that thought processed changed! Those who didn't think I was gay thought I was very feminine. I was a guy who has a good sense of fashion, loves to decorate, I cook, clean and can handle my own laundry. I found Paganism, joined a Wiccan Coven and attuned myself to the Goddess for a long time. Inside *I* was screaming and clawing to get out.

 Fast forwarding to about 3 yrs ago, I was in a really bad mental place. I no longer wanted to be *M*, I no longer wanted to wake up in the morning. Something had to give, I had to be me. I had to try 1 more time. Mandie and I have been through so much together, she loves me as much as I love her. I was scared, how deep is that love? Would she freak and bail? It took me another 2 yrs of dropping what she would call "lame" hints before I finaly worked up the courage to tell her. That night was one of the most difficult I had ever experienced, She said to me "no matter what I will always love and support you, do what you gotta do" so I ran with it. For the next 8 months, we didn't discuss it. I gave her the space and time she needed to digest it, while I started my journey.

The week of our anniversary (right before halloween) I started hormone therapy and within the first week everything changed. My feelings, my emotions, for the next 2 months I was on cloud 9. Shortly before thanksgiving I decided it was time to come out to everyone else. Work was easy, family was not, friends were a bit more understanding. In general most people have been accepting. There a few who have put distance between us. Dealing with the various people finding out from day to day is an emotional roller coaster. I found a support system at our church, and the few people that we call true friends. After 5 months, I can say I have never been so happy!

Sure everyday is a struggle with people and all the extreme changes. The way I walk, the physical changes and the vast amount of emotions I experience all contribute to the person I am becoming. Let's face it, you cant hide boobs, hips, a girly figure or my facial features becoming softer. The giveaway is my mannerisms. People notice, stare and sometimes ask questions when they talk to me or see me out and about. Walking into a crowded room knowing all eyes are on me can be a bit disconcerning but I am happy, and what doesnt kill us makes us stronger.

My wife and I are getting along better than we ever have, our marriage is stronger and we are taking this journey together. I want it pointed out, my wife has been my rock. She has kept me centered and grounded. She has been my sword and shield; my knight in shining armor defending me and attacking anyone who has stood in the way. I couldn't get through this without her. Our kids have also been amazing. Each of them has a different take on things, #1 thinks its super cool, #2 is interested in the scientific information, and #3 says it doesnt matter I am still his daddy. The baby, well she just loves me for me.

 And this leads us to why we started this blog, to document this jouney. For me, for Mandie, for everyone. I am more Zoe now than *M*, *M* is on his way out and we are about a quarter way through. Make no mistake, hormones change everything!

And until next time remember...Baby, I was born this way!

 ~Zoe