Before Zoe, Life with *M*

Many people including myself thought they really knew *M* before she came out. We have family and friends that will go down in history as saying that they knew *M* and how none of this is really a shock. Those people knew only what side of Zoe's personality she chose to share at any given time.

For some *M* was a spiritual being. She would wear only whites, follow her path and some people saw what has been described as a "light" about her. This is how I met her, in the midst of an extremely spiritual phase. I learned a lot from her, and about her during this time.

As I have said we were young. Babies really. In our early 20's I am sure I would not have wanted myself referred to as a "baby" but 13 yrs later I can see just how little about the world we really knew. In the very beginning before kids and "real life"we walked a crazy path. We experimented with drugs, sex, a party life. That ended quickly for me when we got pregnant with our first daughter. Anyone reading this should know we do NOT "party" anymore, these days we are old and boring (according to our kids anyway). For Zoe she still walked a line. She was still young, and it took a long time before she grew up and out of this phase. I think this is how most people knew her. I think this is how I got the reputation of being the "controlling bitch *m* is married to"

To say I was controlling was rather harsh. From my perspective, I was the only one with a job and to spend the very little money we had to go out with her friends and party was a slap in my face. What many people did not know was *M* did not want to work. Anytime the topic came up about getting a job a war began. Many of her family and friends accused me through the years of "not letting" her get a job. This was not true, but I am a trooper and chalked it up to letting those people believe whatever they wanted. Eventually, I just started telling people she couldn't find work because the economy tanked. While pregnant with our 3rd I found a really great job I loved. Inside Sales for an international company. It was an awesome company to work for. After #3 was born however things went bad. *M* called every single day multiple times a day. She needed me to come home. On my last day of work, my boss sat me down and told me that I was a great sales person and how happy they were I was there but get my shit together or I had to go. I left the company. I was devastated, and super angry with *M*. I have not held a job out of the house since.

When I started working from home, things between us became the rockiest. *M* would spend days,weeks and sometimes months locked in our bedroom only coming out for coffee and bathroom breaks. I did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, child care, grocery shopping etc. When she wasn't locked in the bedroom she was sucked into the computer playing WoW. I still did all of the above. We fought constantly. Things were a mess between us and neither of us had the courage to really say what was on our minds.  I have ran a virtual marketing firm for the past 6 yrs but I do sometimes miss working a "real" job with a "real" paycheck. It was not until *M* came out, did she actively seek work again. Today she does work, and is very happy with her employment arrangement.

Later after coming out Zoe explained to me that the depression of not being herself is what led her to be such a jerk and things she said to hurt me were really her own feelings about herself. Finding work, and being herself has been a god-sent for her and our marriage. We talk a lot more. We aren't broke all the time. We enjoy spending time together and now we are starting to finally do things as a "family". I am still super nervous about money, I think its a self defense mechanism since we spent so many years with utility shut off notices, eviction threats and barely able to keep food on the table. I also have issues about the friends she tends to make. Mainly because people tend to take her friendliness as a romantic interest. I can't tell you how many asses I have threatened to kick because some girl or guy thought *M* was all about them. I have had people I called friends turn on me because they developed a thing for her and suddenly I wasn't good enough.

 Like Zoe I am in an in between phase where I have to think of *M* & Zoe as 2 different people. It is not conscious; it is a part of the journey as a spouse.  Anyone who has spent the better part of their life with someone would have a hard time changing pronouns, names and forgetting the person that once was. I read an article that summed it up realistically. Imagine your spouse dying, you will experience the 7 stages of grief sometimes going through several stages at the same time but with transition its double jeopardy because the person is still alive and you have to watch them slowly fade away.

Each day I come to accept things as they are a bit more. This blog for instance has helped to really work out where my brain is at from day to day. I am supportive of Zoe, more than anyone else in our lives. I would never walk away. I will never give up. I have loved Zoe from the day we met, even a gender change can't make that go away. Through all the good, bad, ugly times Zoe has been my constant. So if I am still the "controlling bitch she is married to" then so be it. I do not need the acceptance or approval of anyone else, all I need is her love.

~Mandie