On the path to the darkside

I spend quite a bit of time on the various support forums for Transgenders and their families. One of the common themes is trust. Spouses/Partners sometimes find out years into the relationship and the trust that has been built with history is broken. I have read that only about 10% of couples make it through the transition. I have never been one who wanted to be a statistic, but I have to wonder if part of that is because of the loss of trust.

I can't say that in our case Zoe really understands just how true that is, as much as any transgender she is wrapped up in herself. Our entire life is encompassed by this transition. Her hair, makeup, nails, Dr's, emotions etc. But me; I am lost in a world of being mommy to 4 kids, and a loss of trust that I will have a spouse when the sun rises. In a perfect world, this would not be the case. I would wake up and be happy to be married to a trans-lady. In perfect it would not matter to me that she stays out all night doing whatever the hell she does and I wouldn't wake up at 4:30 am and realize she is not here, with my first thought being "is she in a ditch somewhere?"

Unfortunately we do not live in perfect. I could blame my frustrations on the lack of sleep. I could blame my frustrations on juggling 4 kids with a full time job and managing a house. I could even blame my frustrations on the transition itself. None of this however is the case. I have been dealing with all of this for many years, and I have become an expert at "dealing".  The cold hard truth is I no longer trust. I don't trust Zoe. That trust has been broken. It was broken when she came out to me, and the inkling of trust left was shattered when she started HRT before talking to me about it. I don't worry that she is having an affair. I worry she's dead or hurt. Maybe that's a flaw of mine. I worry to much. I cannot even conceptualize that all of the secrets and lies are out in the open; That shes being honest with me about everything. It doesn't register in my brain. I have gone through her phone, her email, I have read through everything. Not because I think shes doing something, but because I do not believe that there is not going to be yet another bomb dropped in my lap. That I wont have yet another mess to clean up.

I could do a flow chart of the good and bad in our marriage, but frankly that would bore everyone to tears. The bottom line is once the trust is broken, there is no magic cure. There is no therapist or Dr. that will make it all better. The only thing that will heal me is time. I love Zoe, I support Zoe, but at the end of the day without trust there is no relationship. There is only fear, anger, and resentment.

So how do we move past it? How do we keep our marriage together? How do we regain the trust? How do we raise our children as a couple and not in a broken home? The support forums I frequent would say "communication".  In fact I have given that advice myself on many occasions to others when they are having a bad day. What happens when there is nothing left to be said? When you cannot agree to disagree? What happens when you feel like the only reasons your with someone are all the reasons you should not be together?

Some might read this and think "wow shes really pissed off" or "shes really negative about the whole thing". In a way I guess that is true. Today is a bad day for me. I have said many times I do not sugar coat, and the only way I would do this blog is to keep it real. Well folks this is real. It hurts like hell. In all fairness though, I represent the 10% of men/women going through the transition with their spouses, to make it seem like we don't hurt would be nothing less than a slap in their faces. Our feelings are neglected enough, and I wont be the one to make someone feel like something is wrong with them because they have good and bad days.

This is as real as it gets.

~Mandie