Since my family didn't survive my transition, and Mandie and I are no longer together, this blog will not be written anymore.
A lot has happened since I last wrote in April, and I have a lot going on in my head that I need to get out, so I will be eventually continuing with one of my own at...
http://zbtransition.blogspot.com/
<3 Zoe
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
A New Hope
When I read Mandie's post yesterday, I was angry, I was hurt, mainly I was shell shocked that she threw our dirty laundry out there for the world to read. That being said, I can understand where she is coming from. I don't like it all out there, but the only way to really do this blog is to show our real emotions. I can see how the frustrations of every part of our life can congregate into one big mess particularly when adding the stress of the transition in the mix.
Truth of the matter is, I am aware of how selfish I can be at times, I know how this affects everyone around me. Mandie, the kids, my family, friends, my co-workers. I wish that wasn't the case, but I can't change it. In the midst of the transition, I am being born again in many ways. It is hard not to get sucked into the things that make me happier than I have ever been in my life.
There is a dark side to transition.
As awesome as everything can be, this isn't a walk in the park for me everyday either. I know people laugh at me when I walk away. I know people look at me funny when I go to the store, or when I go to work. It takes its toll on my self esteem. It's hard to remember to hold my head up high. I never realized how hard it would be to hide breasts. I wear a coat everywhere I go and all day at work. I wear a hat out of the house to hide my hair and makeup so people won't look at me odd. I keep telling myself "frack them if the don't like it" but the reality is it hurts. There is also the violence factor. That scares me too. I can understand why Mandie worries, its scarey. I can only hope that the majority of people on the planet are not completely screwed in the head and I never run into the ones who are.
Many people say I am courageous to walk this path. I don't feel brave. I am scared about any number of things that cross my mind day in and out.
I am fearful for my marriage. I am afraid that when all is said and done my wife, the love of my life will never be attracted to me again. She cannot give me an honest answer about it. I don't know if I can cope with that. It's true that I did not discuss the hormones before I got the prescription for them with Mandie. Deep down she knew that it was bound to happen. I had been seeing Dr's, therapists and taking herbs. Mandie isn't stupid, I would call it denial. For her own state of mind she needed to deny what was happening and pretend that we were a "nice,normal family" sorry baby, I love ya but we have never been normal.
For me it was do or die time, I reached a point in my life where I had to deal with it or not live. I couldn't live that life anymore, I had to take the chance for my own self survival. After I came out, we stopped discussing things. From my perspective she needed that time to absorb everything, however she spent that 9 months in denial so when I started the HRT she flipped out.
One thing is for certain, things will never be the same. I have to believe that at the end of the road everything will turn out wonderful. The more I allow myself to be the real me the stronger I become. I am more responsible, and am so much happier in life. My family is becoming stronger, even though we have bumps in the road I know that it will be OK.
~Zoe
Truth of the matter is, I am aware of how selfish I can be at times, I know how this affects everyone around me. Mandie, the kids, my family, friends, my co-workers. I wish that wasn't the case, but I can't change it. In the midst of the transition, I am being born again in many ways. It is hard not to get sucked into the things that make me happier than I have ever been in my life.
There is a dark side to transition.
As awesome as everything can be, this isn't a walk in the park for me everyday either. I know people laugh at me when I walk away. I know people look at me funny when I go to the store, or when I go to work. It takes its toll on my self esteem. It's hard to remember to hold my head up high. I never realized how hard it would be to hide breasts. I wear a coat everywhere I go and all day at work. I wear a hat out of the house to hide my hair and makeup so people won't look at me odd. I keep telling myself "frack them if the don't like it" but the reality is it hurts. There is also the violence factor. That scares me too. I can understand why Mandie worries, its scarey. I can only hope that the majority of people on the planet are not completely screwed in the head and I never run into the ones who are.
Many people say I am courageous to walk this path. I don't feel brave. I am scared about any number of things that cross my mind day in and out.
I am fearful for my marriage. I am afraid that when all is said and done my wife, the love of my life will never be attracted to me again. She cannot give me an honest answer about it. I don't know if I can cope with that. It's true that I did not discuss the hormones before I got the prescription for them with Mandie. Deep down she knew that it was bound to happen. I had been seeing Dr's, therapists and taking herbs. Mandie isn't stupid, I would call it denial. For her own state of mind she needed to deny what was happening and pretend that we were a "nice,normal family" sorry baby, I love ya but we have never been normal.
For me it was do or die time, I reached a point in my life where I had to deal with it or not live. I couldn't live that life anymore, I had to take the chance for my own self survival. After I came out, we stopped discussing things. From my perspective she needed that time to absorb everything, however she spent that 9 months in denial so when I started the HRT she flipped out.
One thing is for certain, things will never be the same. I have to believe that at the end of the road everything will turn out wonderful. The more I allow myself to be the real me the stronger I become. I am more responsible, and am so much happier in life. My family is becoming stronger, even though we have bumps in the road I know that it will be OK.
~Zoe
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